


We've Got a Long Way to Go, My Dear

by SucculentStrawberries



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Comfort/Angst, Desperation, Dubious Morality, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Flashbacks, Foreshadowing, Grooming, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Missing Scene, Omorashi, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spoilers, Urination, Wetting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-27 18:46:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20050789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SucculentStrawberries/pseuds/SucculentStrawberries
Summary: Things haven't gone according to plan, but Harold believes he can salvage it. All he and Vanya have to do is get through the journey from the hospital to the cabin in the woods. Unfortunately, it seems life is a sadistic fuck who's determined to throw as many bumps into the road as it can, just to piss him off.But what else is new?And anyways, aren't hardships what drew him and Vanya towards each other in the first place?((Technically an omorashi fic but not really. Please read the tags.))





	We've Got a Long Way to Go, My Dear

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a Vanya omo drabble (like 2000 words MAX) but I blinked and it accidentally became a full-blown Harold Jenkins character study/relationship analysis/missing scene fic. So uh. Sorry about that @ppl who only read my fics for piss. It's still part of the plot but it took a real back seat here haha (I have a legit more detailed Vanya omo fic from her POV on the backburner though so no worries, you'll still get that content eventually).
> 
> Obvious warning to read the tags because... well if you've seen the show you should already know exactly how this relationship works and their backstories, but for those of you outside the fandom, proceed with caution.
> 
> I can't believe all my other fics are taking literal months and somehow I cranked this whole thing out in like, four days. Here's hoping the momentum carries because I want to get my p5 fics done dang it c':
> 
> ((I'm surprised there's not a Harold Jenkins tag since (to my knowledge) characters with multiple names/identities usually have one? Like how Supergirl has hers + Kara Danvers + Kara Zor-El? But then again idk how ao3 works with that kind of stuff. ))

"Are you sure you're okay to drive like that?" He paused where he'd been about to buckle into his seat, glancing over at Vanya. Her bare face was contorted with worry, eyebrows and forehead wrinkling. She had yet to buckle up either, her fingers plucking out a rhythm with the belt. "If you give me the directions, I could take the wheel." It wasn't quite insistent. Just a suggestion, hesitantly broached as her eyes flitted back and forth from the steering wheel to him. They never landed directly on his face though, amusingly. Always a little to the right, or fixing themselves on his neck or forehead.   
  
"Don't worry, I'll be fine." he assured her, flashing a smile as he clicked his seatbelt into place and locked the doors, letting his hands pat the wheel. "If pirates can steer ships in stormy waters, I think I'll be able to handle a gentle car ride. Besides, you've been through a lot. You need to rest."  
  
"_Me?_ But _you're_ the one who-" Vanya cut herself off, lips tightening as she swallowed. When she found her voice to try again, it was softer, each word trembling in the air between them. "What about what the doctors said? And after all those tests... you have to be exhausted..."  
  
"Sweetie, don't worry..." he cooed, reaching out to brush her cheek. He felt her stiffen as he did so, even though she was clearly taking comfort in the reassurance. Sure, he'd almost missed, but he'd found it, hadn't he? "After staying in that bed for so long, I'm itching to do something. And it really isn't that bad, all things considered. I might have a few issues with depth perception, but they said most people with these types of injuries adjust relatively quickly. As long as I don't try to play baseball or darts, I should be just fine." he chuckled.  
  
"I... I guess, but... It's still a shock, isn't it? Shouldn't you take some time before you try something like this? I mean... we _just_ got out..."  
  
"It's just a short drive, and we won't be dealing with much traffic. Besides, I've got you as a spotter!"  
  
"Yeah, but..."  
  
"Vanya, if I start struggling, I _promise_ I'll ask you to take over. But for now, can you please just trust me?" he pleaded, tilting her chin so that she would look at him properly. "It's just this one short drive. Just for today."  
  
"Just this one?" she whispered.  
  
"Just this one. I just have to adapt for a little bit. They're getting my replacement eye all ready for me, remember? It'll be here before you know it!"  
  
Vanya took a breath and parted her lips, wishing so badly to say something to persuade him. Anything. But in the end, her eyes flickered downwards towards her lap as she pulled away, buckling herself into the passenger seat. "Okay... I trust you." And even though there was hesitance in her tone, he knew those three words rang true. 

"Alrighty then!" he chirped, reaching to do a final check of the mirrors. "And away we go!" While he exuded confidence, he did make sure to drive with care as he began to navigate his way out of the parking lot. It was... strange, driving like this, but they would be fine. He made sure to keep glancing both ways, to not speed up until they had pulled out and reached the straight stretch of road, and to listen whenever Vanya would start to warn him to stay on his side of the yellow line. Within a good ten minutes, he felt like he was starting to get the hang of things, and silence took over as they settled more comfortably into their respective seats.  
  
"Do you want me to put some music on?" he offered after a while. "If you don't like the radio, I have a case of classical cd's in your door." He pointed briefly towards the pocket before putting his hand back on the wheel.  
  
"If it's okay with you, could we just have quiet?" Vanya murmured. He could see in the mirror that she was looking ahead at the road, her gaze fixed on nothing. He wasn't sure whether that meant she was deep in thought, or not thinking at all.   
  
"Of course." he conceded with a soft smile, dipping his head in a nod. It made sense. She'd been able to focus on assisting him back at the hospital, offering to help get him things or fix his pillows, talking to all of the nurses and doctors and pacing around. But now that there weren't any distractions, no overwhelming crowding or alarms going off from different rooms... It was just the two of them here, alone to dwell on the aftermath, and the events that preceded it. It couldn't be easy for her. Her anxiety had to be going through the roof now, whether her thoughts were racing or whether she was actively trying to block them all out and numb herself.  
  
He didn't mind the break from all of the chatter. She'd been peppering him with questions or apologies ever since he'd woken up, and he was honestly worn out. It took too much energy to constantly assure her that it wasn't a big deal, to try and get her to understand his eye had been a worthy sacrifice for their upcoming plans. Not when he couldn't reveal to her yet why he didn't mind losing it, why she shouldn't feel guilty. It was going to be hard to convince her to try again with her training after this incident...  
  
Ten minutes of driving later, Vanya still didn't seem less anxious. In fact, it actually appeared that she was getting worse. She was constantly tugging at her seatbelt, or picking at her nails, or jiggling a leg. She would tap out a little tune on the dashboard, or adjust _and readjust _her sun-visor.  
  
It was beyond obnoxious. Such little movements and noises, but even so they were fraying on already-frayed nerves. For all his encouragement and lecturing for her to be louder and take up more space, he had to admit that sometimes he preferred shrinking violet Vanya. The one who didn't question anything, who was too aware of her own faults to dare strive for anything beyond staying in the background. A woman who was content to be invisible and unobtrusive.   
  
"Vanya?"  
  
"Mmm?" She seemed a tad distracted, still staring at her nails, and he cleared his throat slightly. That time she did perk up and focus on him. "What? Do you need me to drive?"  
  
"No, but if you wouldn't mind, could you_ please_ stop fidgeting so much?" Seeing the immediate flush on her face, he tried to wipe the irritation from his tone. "Sorry, it usually wouldn't bother me. But all that movement out of the corner is _a little_ distracting..." he pinched his fingers to emphasize, glancing at her apologetically.  
  
Vanya only sank down in her seat, pulling her hands back into her lap. "Sorry..." she muttered quickly. "I'll stop..." Guilt was wracked all over her features, glimmering in her eyes, and he shook his head as he focused on the windshield again. She wasn't just apologizing for the fidgeting.   
  
Five more minutes passed before she spoke again.  
  
"Hey... Leonard?" He was dragged from the silence he'd been relishing, and he fought the urge to exhale through his nose, fixing a smile back onto his face as he let his gaze shift to her reflection in the mirror.   
  
"What is it, Vanya?"  
  
Vanya crossed her arms over her chest, using one hand to pick at the sleeve on the other. She bit her lip, and he tried to remember the virtue of patience while she chose her words. "Um, if it's not too much trouble, could we stop somewhere?" Her gaze flitted to his for a brief moment before she let it flicker back towards the passenger window. "It doesn't have to be right now! I just mean, like, when it's convenient... if something comes up..."  
  
He brought his own attention back to the dusty road ahead, trying to brush aside the irritation simmering beneath the surface. So much for a simple drive...

"If you're hungry, I'd really prefer if you saved your appetite. I was planning on fixing us a nice lunch when we got to the cabin." He'd already gotten the ingredients prepped yesterday and left them in the fridge, after all. Which was a good thing, because even if he could drive like this, a knife to chop vegetables might have been pushing it. "I'm looking forward to it. I guess I've learned that all those jokes ragging on hospital food are true." he chuckled.  
  
Vanya tried to crack a smile, but her lips tightened again almost immediately. "No, no, that's fine. That sounds good, actually. It's just..."   
  
This time he couldn't help but sigh, only barely managing to shift it into one of affection. He still had both of his ears, and yet he hadn't caught _a word_ of what Vanya was now mumbling sheepishly under her breath. "Sweetheart, what have we discussed? You have to be louder if you want people to listen to you. Speak up and _enunciate._ " he prompted. "I can't help you if I can't hear you."  
  
Vanya took a breath, cringing. "I'd like to go to the restroom." she confessed, her face flushing a lovely shade of pink.  
  
He couldn't help cracking a smile, if only to avoid rolling his eyes. "You'd _ like_ to, or you actually _need _ to? There's a difference there."  
  
"Leonard..." Vanya groaned, burying her face in her hands.  
  
"Sorry, sorry. I couldn't help teasing you a little." He reached over to rub her back with one hand, and after stewing in her embarrassment for a moment, she carefully shrugged him off and glanced back up at him, returning her hands to her lap and interlacing her fingers.  
  
"So, can we stop somewhere soon?"  
  
Honestly? He didn't want to bother. Even if he'd been willing to get the shit kicked out of him, that didn't change the fact that his entire body was _killing him._ Every breath felt like it was impaling his ribcage, his lungs and chest ached, his head was pounding, and his eye socket was throbbing like a bitch. And despite what he'd told her earlier, he really was tired. Physically, and also tired of dealing with her shit. Vanya was a _ lot_ of work, and even if it was work he'd gladly taken on, and would be willing to take on _all over again, _ it was draining.   
  
If he could go through _all of this,_ then _ surely _ she could suck up this miniscule inconvenience in comparison. Vanya needed to learn the meaning of willpower anyways. She had such a habit of giving up, cowering under pressure... this little test would help strengthen her.  
  
"You know, we'll be back at the cabin in about forty minutes..." he mused, glancing at the dashboard clock. "Can it wait?"  
  
Vanya's eyebrows flicked up in the mirror, and she shifted in her seat. Whether that discomfort was from her urges or the patronizing question he'd just asked her, he didn't know. Frankly, it didn't matter. "Um, I mean..." That clearly hadn't been the answer she was expecting from him, and she tried to work through her shock. "I can if we _have to, _ but... if we're already gonna be passing stuff anyway, couldn't we just-"  
  
"I don't think it would be a good idea to stop." he interrupted, scanning the road around them. With a grunt, he leaned out the window to adjust the outer mirror, finally catching the metallic gleam of a grill and pipes. Far behind them, a half-semi truck was chugging along. Their first visitor in many miles, but of course, Vanya had been too distracted to notice anything during the drive so far.  
  
"Why not?" A hint of skepticism he would soon snuff out before it had the chance to bloom. There was never any reason for Vanya to question him, and he wasn't going to let that start now.  
  
"Do you see the truck behind us?"  
  
"Way in the back?"  
  
"It's been tailing us for the last twenty minutes."  
  
"So? We could just be going the same way. It's a small town."  
  
"I don't think so..." he muttered darkly, settling back down and tightening his grip on the wheel. "Remember what the staff told us right before we left? That one of them was still alive?"  
  
"Yeah..." Vanya whispered, hunching her shoulders. _Only one,_ she was surely thinking. What a _tragedy_ that the others hadn't been saved...  
  
"Well, even if they don't know _exactly _ what happened, and if confidentiality is a thing..." he trailed off, sighing heavily. What a burden, to break this news to her. "There's still the fact that we were there. That we were involved, and treated in the same hospital."  
  
"But what happened- I mean, there's no way they could explain- or even _understand-_ "  
  
"Everyone knew about the Academy." he pointed out. "Powers exist. Is it really that much of a stretch for them to make? And even if they haven't figured it out on their own... how do we know he won't mention us?"  
  
"They didn't know our names..."  
  
"But they _did_ see our faces."  
  
"It was an accident-" Vanya started weakly, but he cut her off.

"I know. But they might not understand that." His tone was full of regret, and Vanya fell quiet. "The police were probably already investigating the scene while we were getting patched up. For all we know, they're already after us. Now, _we_ didn't do anything wrong._ It was self defense._ But I think we should lay low for a little while anyways." he explained. "These roads are pretty empty, and there aren't many stops, but don't you think it's an unnecessary risk? Getting recognized and taken in for questioning just because we popped into a gas station?"  
  
Vanya fidgeted, crossing one leg over the other and glancing out towards his mirror. "So you think there are cops in that truck?"  
  
"I don't know. But it's a possibility." He shrugged his shoulders, fighting the impulse to wince as they ached. "Even if there aren't, I think it's best if we just keep moving. We'll lose anyone in the woods once we hit those winding roads. We'll be safe at the cabin, and then we can rest and wait for everything to blow over."  
  
Carefully, he held out one of his hands, and after a moment of hesitation, Vanya took it. He let his fingers drift, rubbing her dry knuckles, interlocking their hands and giving hers a squeeze. "Am I scaring you?" He shook his head, laughing nervously. "I'm sorry, I'm probably just being paranoid. I'm just worried, after everything that happened... I guess I'm a bit more shaken up than I thought. But I just can't shake this _feeling..._"  
  
"No, Leonard, you don't have to apologize!" Vanya squeezed his hand back, almost a death grip. Her hand was shaking, he noted with satisfaction. "I mean, I'm the last person who can judge you for being 'paranoid'..." A half-laugh, cut off with a wince as she shifted again. "But I don't think you are... If you're right, and they _are_ looking..." she exhaled shakily, letting go of his hand and crossing her arms, sinking down into her seat. "If you've got a gut feeling, let's trust it."  
  
"Thank you, Vanya. I just want to keep you safe, you know?"  
  
"I know..."  
  
_"I promise,_ it'll be a smooth ride, and I'll get us there as soon as I can. So just hang on until then, okay?"  
  
Vanya couldn't seem to find the words to answer, only dipping her head with a small hum of acknowledgement before she directed her gaze towards her own window. Content that the matter was settled and that he'd be free of any other distractions, he slowly found his thoughts wandering, the steady rumble of the barren road and the quiet luring him into meditation.  
  
He couldn't decide if last night had been a blessing, or a nightmare. Good had definitely come out of it, _progress_ had come out of it, but at what cost?  
  
They took things further than he'd ever told them to. They had _touched_ Vanya, joked about _violating_ her... for that, those drunken scum _deserved_ to die. He only felt remorse that he hadn't had both eyes to admire their shattered bodies and bloodstains on the wall. It was repulsive that _one_ was left breathing (if barely), and he had definite plans to end that as soon as he was able.   
  
He'd been so careful to erase any suspicions, to not leave any trails. He'd been a friendly ghost, wisping into Vanya's life without any baggage to tie him down, luring her away without his darling knowing any the wiser. Leonard Peabody didn't have a single skeleton in his closet. Leonard Peabody was clean, gentle, and trustworthy. And an excellent boyfriend, if he said so himself. He'd done everything right.  
  
Harold Jenkins, however, had many skeletons in his closet, and a trail of blood and scarlet threads leading right to it. That damn 'sister' of hers had already been suspicious of him when she caught him in Vanya's apartment. And while he thought he'd managed to smooth that over, had managed to migrate them somewhere where none of those Umbrella bastards could bother them since, this new witness was another story. This pathetic, perverted drunkard could unravel_ everything_ with one tug on the strings. The payment for the job wouldn't be enough, that was for sure. Hell, it'd barely put a dent in the hospital bills, let alone the funerals for his worthless buddies. And even if it could, it wouldn't matter. All the cash in the world couldn't buy off the need for revenge.  
  
No, he_ had_ to get back there first, destroy the link before any police _did_ manage to find him. To be honest, if you thought about it, wasn't he really doing the guy a favour? He'd save the miserable bastard from being thrown in jail for assault, not to mention the troubles of crushing debt and eating from a feeding tube. Compared to all of that, death was a much better deal. At least he'd finally be doing the planet a service, feeding the worms below...

Yes. The worms were more useful creatures than that wretch.  
  
But first, before cleaning up that mess, he would be needed there, with Vanya, in that hellhole of a childhood cabin. They'd gotten somewhere last night, amidst the chaos and ruined plans, and he'd be damned if he let the chance to expand on that experience while it was fresh slip through their fingertips. Whatever had given Vanya the brutality, the _talent _she'd shown last night, they had to figure it out. They wouldn't rest until they did.  
  
The biggest hurdle was going to be convincing her to keep trying. She was so fucking shaken up over this whole thing, it would be a miracle if he could get her to talk about it at all. She was content to sit and try to forget, to avoid looking at him out of guilt... It would take coaxing, understanding, and plenty of time to put her at ease and help her focus.  
  
Time. Yesterday he'd thought they would have plenty of it. But now... every moment he would spend fixing and encouraging Vanya was a moment he was losing to the police closing in. He had to balance this schedule carefully if he wanted to maintain control.  
  
He wasn't going to let _one fucking alcoholic _tear everything away from him again.

~~~

Twenty minutes had passed; he'd managed to plan out every detail of how to dispose of his liability, and Vanya was seriously getting on his last nerves.   
  
She couldn't seem to sit still for the life of her, constantly switching positions and jiggling her legs, or fanning them in and out. Those hands were toying with and picking at everything within reach, drumming on armrests or fiddling with seatbelts and clothing. She'd been the one to suggest quiet, and yet her mouth was a near constant stream of soft groans and gasps, her breathing growing heavier and more uneven.   
  
"We'll be there soon, Vanya." he informed her, ever full of soothing encouragement. Vanya only offered a hum in response, squeezing her thighs together and hunching over slightly. As he took a right turn, he spoke up again. "Is this a regular thing with you?" At the look of mortification on her face, he ducked his head himself, the picture of awkwardness. "Sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you! I just, er, well... I should probably know. If we ever go on a road trip, I'd like to be able to plan it out so that you're comfortable, you know? Besides, there's no need to keep secrets between us." He let that sentence sink in for a moment before he chuckled. "Hey, I already showed you my wooden ducks. If you didn't judge me for that, I can't judge you for anything!"  
  
Despite the grimace on her face, Vanya tried to smile. "I guess that's true." Shaking her head, she brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "But no, this isn't, um, this isn't a regular thing!" Nibbling at her lip, she shuffled again to cross her legs. "Sorry, it's dumb... It's my own fault, really."  
  
Well, of course it was, but he would never tell her that.   
  
"It's just... When they finally let me into that room to visit you..." Vanya took a breath to steel herself, closing her eyes against the tears threatening to form. "I was _so scared_ of what might happen. What if you needed surgery, or what if you didn't wake up at all, or-"  
  
"Oh, _Vanya..._ "  
  
"Even once they told me you were gonna be fine, I just... I couldn't leave you. It was just this _awful_ feeling, that if I left for a minute _ that_ would be the one where something horrible happened. And I knew it was just the anxiety talking, and maybe it was worse because I was off the pills, but _still._ "  
  
"You didn't leave my side all night?"   
  
"They would've had to drag me away."  
  
He couldn't help the way his lips twitched at that, warmth blooming in his chest. Vanya was willing to deprive herself of anything, to suffer through pain and misery, _ just_ to be there _for him._ Just like he'd sacrificed so much for her. They really _were_ destined to be together.  
  
"You were asleep in that chair when I came back into the room this morning." he remembered.  
  
"Yeah. And we were in such a rush to leave, I guess I got distracted. I didn't even think about it until we started driving." Vanya winced as they went over a slight bump, and he almost felt remorse for hitting it. "So yeah, it's pretty bad..."  
  
"I'd say so." he cringed sympathetically. "It should only be about twenty minutes though. You'll make it."   
  
_"Mmhmm."_ It wasn't the steadiest agreement, and he could practically feel the clouds of uncertainty rolling off of her. But that was why this test was so important. To help Vanya prove to herself that she was capable of more than she believed. That _his_ belief in her overrode her own anxieties.  
  
All she had to do was focus. Exercise some discipline.

~~~

"Leonard, I-" She paused to swallow against the crack in her voice. "I think we really need to pull over."  
  
"Don't worry, we're ten minutes from the cabin."  
  
"I don't know if I can-"  
  
"You _can. _ Just ten minutes."  
  
"Leonard, _ please-_ "  
  
"It's not safe." God's name was moaned from Vanya's mouth, and he clenched the steering wheel a little tighter. _Fine._ He'd cut her some slack. "Five minutes, and we'll be in the woods. There'll be cover there." he offered gently. "Just hang in there for _a little_ longer, okay? I believe in you."  
  
"Okay. Five minutes." Vanya muttered under her breath, rocking back and forth in her seat like a child. "I can do five minutes." And so she continued her chant, repeating the mantra with every pained breath and trembling squeeze as she finally gave into the urge to cup herself. It had to be killing her, to be seen in this state. There was satisfaction to be found in that. He was getting to witness a side of her she wouldn't have _dared_ show to anyone else. He was the one privileged enough, the one she was comfortable enough around to drop her guard.   
  
He had to guide her through her weakest moments before he could raise her up to glory.  
  
Out of the corner of his eye, Vanya's previously panicked movements finally began to settle, and he was grateful for that. Instead of constant writhing, she was simply curled in on herself, keeping every muscle as still and tightened as possible. The picture of focus, really. For a brief moment, he was proud of her.  
  
That pride dissipated mere minutes later, when Vanya suddenly gasped, the colour draining from her face. "We have to stop. _Right now._ "  
  
"I promise we'll stop soon. We're almost-"  
  
"No, Leonard, I mean it!" Vanya cut him off, her voice shaking. Honestly, she couldn't maintain her composure in the home stretch. "I can't wait any longer!"   
  
"Yes _ you can,_ Vanya." he insisted, as sweetly as he could manage. " _Mind over matter,_ isn't that the saying? You're probably just anxious. It's making you feel worse than it actually is."  
  
"Oh _God._ " Vanya moaned, doubling over and practically grinding against the edge of her seat. "Oh God, please! S-Some just came out and-"  
  
"We're three minutes from the woods-"  
  
" _Please,_ just pull over!" And she was begging, how pathetic. "I _really_ can't-" A hand flew up to cover her mouth as she gasped, breath hitching and morphing just as quickly into another low moan. He soon found out why when the hissing sound reached his ears. Muffled against fabric but swiftly increasing in volume (in both senses of the word), the noise grew louder until it seemed to fill the quiet car, accompanied within moments by liquid pattering. " _No, nononono… please, God, please..._ "  
  
Vanya's whimpers did nothing as the few trickles he could hear hitting the floormats became a flood, spilling down and splashing to splatter around her feet. He swore his blood pressure was raising with every droplet, and he clenched his teeth behind closed lips. Three minutes. _ Three minutes_ was all he'd asked from her.  
  
He didn't deign to look at her, content to stare at the road ahead while she finished soiling herself and offering the illusion that he was giving her privacy. He could hear the distress in every breath, the cracks in her whispered pleas as tears began to spill. And yet, there was the undeniable relief she was getting out of it. The handful of sighs and moans, those involuntary pleasures as she was freed from _the one burden _ he'd asked her to carry. Within another minute, it finally drew to a close as the last rivulets spilled down her drenched legs, and she tried to breathe in the suffocating silence of the car. Another little room she'd been locked in, begging and pleading falling upon deaf ears.  
  
This sort of pathetic behavior wasn't worthy of the _ powerful being_ he was training her to be. It was wretched, disgusting, and childish. This wasn't the woman destined to rise to greatness and rule the world with him, nor was she the hero created to dismantle and destroy The Umbrella Academy once and for all! This... this _sniveling, trembling creature_ was just a disobedient animal, a puppy in need of housetraining and a good kicking! She was a miserable sight, cowering and crying as countless apologies spilled from her chapped-lipped mouth... no courage, no confidence. Hadn't he taught her better than that?

_God-damn it, Vanya!_  
  
Why did she have to be so fucking _frustrating? _ Every incident with her seemed to be two steps back for every step forward! He'd helped her discover she had powers, and she'd panicked and refused to acknowledge them until he'd dragged her out here. They'd had a breakthrough, that _brilliant_ display in the parking lot, and she didn't even want to discuss it. And now here they were. He gave her _one simple order,_ to hold it until they got back, and she wasn't even capable of that!  
  
Pulling over onto the road's shoulder (which was really just dirt in this empty, isolated hellhole), he swiftly parked the car and unlocked the doors, letting another truck pass them. One more minute, and he could have taken the turn to bring them away from the roads and into the privacy of the trees. "Hop out." he commanded, opening his own door and shutting it with a little more force than was probably necessary. But screw it. It was either the door getting shoved, or _her._  
  
Vanya was quick to comply, lunging for the handle and springing out like her seat was coated in lava. Shaky legs found their footing as she sniveled, rubbing her runny nose with a sleeve. When he rounded the car to head towards her she all but leapt backwards, flinching with wide eyes and gasping, her words hitching. "I'm sorry, f-fuck, Leonard, I'm s-so _so_ sorry! I _tried,_ r-really I did! I tried _so hard,_ a-and I thought I could- I should've-" When he took another step, her shoulders hunched, her scrawny, pale frame wracked with sobs. "I didn't _mean to-"_  
  
She didn't get to finish, tears streaming down her mess of a face and her throat clogging with phlegm, a hand clawing and grasping at tangled hair as if that would somehow help ground her. It didn't matter. What she'd said had been enough. That voice crack, downright _pleading_ for understanding and drowned in guilt, those four words... It was an unwelcome slap in the face as she shrank away from him to press her back against metal, still whimpering. Vanya was a mere child before him, helpless and terrified and _hurting_ as she awaited the inevitable. She had no reason to believe he'd blow up, not when he'd been so _kind,_ so _gentle_ to her ever since they'd met, but she was expecting it anyways. The meltdown, the yelling, the shoving and punishment for her mistakes...  
  
The shattered bottles and broken picture frames, mosaics of multi-coloured glass scattered across the floor. Heavy weight looming over in a suffocating shadow just before bruises formed and blood was drawn, searing heat and stinging across skin. A fragile body smacking to thud against whatever was closest, vision flipping and tumbling to stare at the ground, at the floor, at the sky and ceiling.

_'I didn't mean to!'  
  
'I didn't mean to spill the bottle.'  
  
'I didn't mean to break the plate.'  
  
'I didn't mean to wake the neighbors.'  
  
'I didn't mean to kill my father.'  
  
_ Alright. Seeing as the last one had been a blatant lie, he supposed he couldn't blame the police for not believing him.  
  
But all of the other times that phrase had been uttered, cried, and wailed, not just by himself, but by all sorts of innocent people... It was completely unfair, that they were never believed. That they were blamed and torn into, punished for the simple crime of not being good enough, of making mistakes and _being fucking human.   
  
'I didn't mean to', _ his words would always be sneered back from the literal mouth of hell, _reeking _ of ferment and bitterness. It was never a legitimate reason. It was just an excuse, a cop-out.  
  
He didn't need to act like that. He didn't _want_ to act like that. He _loved_ Vanya. Vanya was his world. She would _create_ his world.  
  
He was a good person. He was the underdog. _ They _ were the underdogs. If they didn't support one another in these trying times, who would? Everyone on this god-forsaken planet was determined to kick them down, to jeer at them and laugh. They would show them. He would show them.  
  
So he had to show her that she could trust him. That he cared about her. That he wasn't angry. He _wasn't _ angry.  
  
This was... a mild inconvenience. A setback to his schedule, but that was fine. It was _ fine. _ He could rearrange. He would clean her up, comfort her, clean the seat... and then he could go run his errand. He would take his frustration out on someone truly deserving of it. He would redirect his temper from a person to a punching bag. That was healthy. He was healthy.   
  
And so as he finally closed the gap, his arms snaked to nudge themselves between Vanya's shuddering back and the side of the car, and he leaned in, until his cheek could rest against hers. And then he let his head drift downwards, brushing his lips against the crook of her neck, nuzzling her hair and all too aware of the way her pulse-point was pounding like a jackhammer. With time, he would bring that frantic heartbeat down...  
  
"Vanya, please don't cry..." he whispered into her collar, and her arms finally gripped to cling to him, fisting themselves in his grey jacket. She only shook harder, wails slowly being choked out into silent sobs. He was now growing aware of the breeze that had been stirring around them, but he let that slide. His goal for now was to calm her down, not wind her up. There would be time for that later.  
  
"You probably hate me now.." she croaked out between heaving breaths, and he wasn't sure he was even meant to hear it. A statement so dejected, bordering on acceptance. After all of the mistakes she'd made, after all of the lists of people _who really did _hate her, why would he be any different? She'd had a good thing, a beautiful thing, and she'd ruined it.

"I don't hate you, Vanya." he assured her, pressing his lips to her forehead and holding them there for a moment before he spoke again. "I could never hate you. You're too important to me..."   
  
She really was _made for him, _ he thought, with the way her body fit so perfectly against his own. She was usually chilly, and the cooling wetness coating her legs made it even more noticeable, but he didn't mind. It just gave him an excuse to pull her closer, envelop her with the excuse of sharing his body heat.  
  
"Hey... Hey, it's alright. It's _okay, _ Vanya... You're okay... _We're_ okay..."  
  
Carefully, he began to pull her a few steps back, just enough so that she wasn't still pressed against the car. He had patience, murmuring sweet nothings, accepting her apologies no matter how many she kept whimpering into his ear. He brushed her tears away with his knuckles, tucked swathes of hair away from her face and reminded her to breathe, counting for her as they attempted to find a rhythm.   
  
She had failed him, but to be fair, he'd been a fool to expect perfection on the first try.   
  
It took a good ten minutes before she seemed capable of real speech, pawing at her face with those navy blue sleeves and swallowing hard. She finally pulled back and met his eye instead of staring at their shoes, her face blotchy and red. The breeze was dying down, leaving them once again standing on an empty, sunny patch of dirt road. "I'm sorry..." she murmured again, this time with a broken laugh as she shook her head. "I'm a grown woman, damn it. I shouldn't be _blubbering_ like this..."  
  
Truer words hadn't been spoken all day.   
  
"Vanya, will you _please_ stop apologizing?" he begged her, taking both of her hands and squeezing them. "It's _okay_ ... So you messed up. That's _fine,_ we can _ fix it._ " Casting one of Leonard's winning smiles at her, he let go of her hands and began to circle around to the driver's side, pushing a button to pop the trunk. "Yesterday and today have been... traumatic." he admitted carefully. "This was just the straw that broke the camel's back, you know? That's a good thing though! It's healthy to let all of this out... Cry it _all_ out, everything... If you bottle stuff up, you'll just end up snapping." Heading back to the trunk, he started to rifle around, calling back out to her. "Take this towel and put it in your seat to start soaking things up. I've got a tarp we can put overtop of it for you to sit on."  
  
He was surprised to hear a hint of a chuckle from Vanya. "Why do you have a tarp in there? I mean, no offense, but you don't really seem... outdoorsy."  
  
"I suppose it is a little funny!" he admitted, grinning back at her. "True, I spend most of my time inside, and I think I'd be _miserable _ at camping. But you never know when you'll need one, right? If a window gets busted, or I decide to have a picnic, or... if stuff like this happens, apparently..." he shrugged, shutting the trunk and circling back to the passenger side, spreading out the clear plastic. "I like to be prepared." Stepping away, he waited for her to climb in. "I'm sorry I don't have any spare clothes, but if you'd like, I could turn the heat on."  
  
"No, you don't have to do that!" Vanya insisted, buckling herself in and trying not to cringe as her shoes splashed in the puddle below. "We'll be back at the cabin soon anyway."  
  
"Yeah, and as soon as we do, we'll get you all fixed up." he promised, climbing back into the drivers' seat.

~~~

The drive back to the cabin, blissfully, was uneventful. They made their way up the drive, climbed up onto the porch and past the windchimes, with nary a breeze to brush them. The tension seemed to melt from Vanya's shoulders as soon as they shut the door, and he _wished_ he could say the same for himself. He made sure to avoid glancing at the photograph as they passed it, instead heading towards the restroom. "Leave your clothes by the laundry and grab some fresh ones. I'll go ahead and draw you a bath." 

As he watched steamy water fill up the tub, he was sure he'd need one of his own soon. Beneath his layered shirts there were surely bruises now. Ugly, purple, throbbing things, longing for heat to soothe them. But that wasn't a luxury he could afford right now. Sweet fragrances swam around the room as he filled the tub with rose-scented bubbles, and he shut his eyes, rubbing at his temples. No, before he could cleanse himself of blood and sin, he'd have to commit one more...  
  
"Hey... are you okay?"  
  
"I'm fine." he sighed, turning to face her. He made sure to keep his gaze strictly to the collarbones and up, even if Vanya wouldn't mind. They'd seen each other before, after all, but still. Best to be a gentleman. "Do you want me to stay?" he offered, gently feeling the dry washcloth he'd grasped in his fingers.   
  
"That's okay, you don't have to..."  
  
"I don't mind."  
  
"No, really, it's okay." Vanya's lips quirked just a hair, and she gestured for him to stand up. When he did, she took the cloth from him, leaning up to peck his cheek. "You've already done enough, I'll be fine in here." When she pulled back, her gaze flicked to his eyepatch, and he could see the shadows creeping into her eyes. "Go and rest._ Please. _I should be pampering _you,_ not the other way around."  
  
Oh, _if only_ he could accept such an offer. Later this week. In the coming days, maybe she could make good on her promise. Or tonight, after dinner, when they retired to the bed and had the ambiance of this lovely, _lonely_ cabin...  
  
Inhaling through his nose, he smiled back, running a hand through his own bedraggled hair. "I just need to deal with the car. But then I'll come in and rest, I promise." Before she could protest, he stepped out of the room and pulled the door closed behind him. Once he was sure she was settling in the bath instead of following, he carried on to gather up the supplies, striding outside into the fresh air. It didn't improve his mood, especially once he was stuck crouching, his head hovering over the car seat and the reek of piss stinging his nostrils.  
  
_'This will all be worth it'_, he reminded himself, his own mantra as he scrubbed plush seating and pulled out mats to hose down. All of this labour, physical and emotional, would be worth it. Soon, he would have his partner in crime and in life, someone who was just as ready, just as _willing_ to strike back against unfairness and abuse. _They_ would be able to avenge what had been wronged, take back _everything_ that had been so cruelly kept from them. _They_ would be the ones _on top_ for once, holding all of the cards and crushing ants beneath their thumbs.  
  
All he had to do was cultivate her, for just a while longer. A mix of coddling and praise, of trials and scoldings, here where she was isolated from all distractions. Just until they could unlock her secrets, until she could gain the control necessary to _really thrive.  
_  
By the time he'd stepped back inside, Vanya was waiting for him, sitting in the kitchen. She'd changed into one of her long-sleeved sweaters, a teal colour this time, with a navy undershirt poking out just above the collar. Baggy navy pants almost swallowed her legs. He didn't really mind the way she dressed. It was comfortable, always with something bigger wrapped around her. A cry for affection if ever he'd seen one, practically broadcasting her craving to be enveloped, to be smothered. And if not that, it was simply a tool to hide, layers and layers to bury herself inside.  
  
Then again, who was he to talk? Mister sweater vests or layered flannel shirts, almost always with t-shirts underneath.  
  
The similarities between them seemed almost endless._  
_  
"The car's just fine. It just has to air out for a bit." he informed her, taking a seat at the table. "How was your bath? Are you feeling any better?"  
  
"It was fine." she murmured, bringing her hands to rest on the table, clasped together in front of her. "And um, yeah... Yeah, I think I'm alright now." 'Alright' didn't mean _feeling_ _good, _but then again, he supposed 'alright' was the best either of them could achieve right now.

"That's good to hear." he murmured. "You got _so upset_ back there, I was worried. I..." He clasped his own hands together, choosing his words with care. "I hope this isn't intrusive of me to say, but... it seemed like a bit of an extreme reaction. Not that it wasn't upsetting or embarrassing, I'm _sure_ it was, but... you were _sobbing,_ Vanya. I mean, I guess everything at the hospital kind of compounded it, but-"  
  
"Actually, that's not..." Vanya had started to interrupt, but hesitated, licking her lips. "It was part of it, but... can I tell you something?"  
  
" _Anything._ " he assured her, leaning forwards to give her his full attention. She fidgeted a little under his gaze, but took a breath and continued.   
  
"You know my father, right? Or, I mean, you've heard of him."  
  
"Of course." he dipped his head in a nod. _How could I **not **know the prick?_  
  
"Well, there were a couple of times, when I was a kid, and he'd make me stay with him and help take notes, watching everyone else train or do missions and stuff... It would go on for hours, and he usually didn't let me know ahead of time before he'd drag me off on a whim, and... well, the times it happened he was absolutely _livid_ . He wouldn't like, _yell_ or _spank me_ or anything, he'd just... I think it was actually terrifying _ because _ he was so quiet. He'd start lecturing me, barely a speaking voice, and he was just _ shaking_ with rage the whole time... He'd... He'd say the most _awful_ things..." Vanya had to pause for a minute, glancing down at the table and trying to collect herself, eyes watering with the tears she refused to shed a second time.  
  
"It's okay..." he soothed, reaching out to rest one hand on top of her clasped ones. "Go on..."  
  
"Whenever he was finally done with that, it was like... like a switch was flipped. Instead of focusing all that attention on me, he'd shut me out completely. Not that he didn't do that anyway, but I mean... it was different. _Colder. _ He'd take my place away from the table, and Grace or Pogo would have to sneak me pity meals to my room. He wouldn't give me work to do or assignments. He wouldn't acknowledge _I existed_ for about a week or two, no matter what I did or how I tried to make it up to him.." Vanya sniffed, closing her eyes. "I know you aren't like that, Leonard… I'm sorry. I guess when it happened in the car, all that just came flooding back..."  
  
"You don't have _anything _ to be sorry about." he said, letting a note of firmness fill Leonard's voice. "He should _never_ have treated you that way, Vanya. Don't _ ever_ think you deserved to be tormented like that."  
  
What a sick bastard. He'd already thought Reginald was a piece of shit, but somehow the man had proven he was _even lower_ than that. At least when _he _ tested Vanya, it was to improve her, to toughen her up and _help_ her. Why did her dear _ father_ do it? For pettiness and a fucking power trip...  
  
At least they'd both be able to watch over their childrens' success from the fires of Hell... Maybe both of those fuckers were popping open a cold one down there, comparing their brilliant child-rearing tips.  
  
"Thank you, Leonard. What did I do to deserve you?"  
  
"Ah-ah-ah!" he chided, wagging a finger. "That's the question _ I'm_ supposed to be asking." When she cracked a smile, he leaned over to press his lips to her temple. However, all too quickly, she pulled away, her attention fixed on his face and her grin dropping. _God,_ he couldn't wait to get his new eye just so she'd quit _looking at him like that. _ It was practically begging him to explain his plans, just to put her at ease.  
  
"Do you think the police will really come after us?" she broached softly. 

"I don't know." he shrugged. "We didn't really leave evidence, but we were the only ones there, so... We'll just have to wait and see, I guess..." Ah, but now that they were here, he didn't need to worry Vanya. He'd take care of this mess soon enough, and then her questions wouldn't matter. "We're safe here though. This cabin is isolated. My grandmother, rest her soul, has been gone for long enough that no one even remembers it's here, so we might as well be off the map. And no one followed us once we turned into the woods."  
  
"That's... That's good, I guess." Vanya sighed, shoulders slumping. Still, the shadow of worry didn't leave her face. After a few moments of silence, she spoke again."I know it was an accident, and I know they probably deserved it, especially after what they did to you, but still..." Vanya turned to stare out the window, her gaze distant."I wish it hadn't had to happen that way..."**  
  
**"I know... No matter how things had gone last night, though, I don't think it would have gone well for anyone..." he pointed out somberly. Heaving a sigh, he reached out to cup her cheek, turning her face back towards him and looking into her eyes. "You should _never_ feel bad for standing up for yourself, Vanya. _Promise me_ that the next time, you won't hesitate."  
  
He was right, of course, and luckily she seemed to recognize that, no matter how torn up she was about the incident. Her eyes darkened, growing serious as her lips tightened to press themselves into a thin line. "I won't. I promise."  
  
"Good." Letting his hand shift to squeeze her shoulder briefly, he then rose, stepping towards the fridge with a much lighter tone. "I think it's about time I get that lunch ready, don't you? I'll have you know, I make some _killer _sandwiches."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I really love this show and all of the characters (even the ones that evoke strong distaste and rage within me, like Leonard/Harold), so I definitely hope to write more! As always, kudos or comments (even anon) are welcome because I love hearing from all of you! <333


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